


[I WILL KILL GOD]

by one_sad_frog



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Chaos, FUCK THERES A LOT OF EM, Gen, Group chat, Hybrids, I just wanted to write a dream smp group chat, Platonic Relationships, Smoking, Tags Are Hard, Texting, There's no plot, Weed, beta reading? who's she, idk don't get ur hopes up, its not really a plot thing they're just not all human, its not really determined idk, maybe ill continue this - Freeform, or maybe, there's also like. sex jokes so warning fr that, this fic is a MESS, uh okay so like, with little irl bits at the end
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29298372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_sad_frog/pseuds/one_sad_frog
Summary: [I WILL KILL GOD]4:38 am[dream] has added [gogy], [Samsung], [wilbo], [dadza], and 16 others to [I WILL KILL GOD][dream]: gc name explains it all, whos in
Relationships: ALL PLATONIC, except for people who r like actually dating, they're like a big ol fucked up family
Comments: 23
Kudos: 125





	[I WILL KILL GOD]

**Author's Note:**

> hey hi! this is my first post on this site, I have no clue what im doing I just copy/pasted this massive drabble from a word doc ASDFGHS
> 
> uh. enjoy I guess?
> 
> members:  
> Dream - dream  
> George - gogy  
> sapnap - samsung  
> Wilbur - wilbo  
> philza - dadza   
> Techno – blood god  
> tommy - BIGMANINNIT  
> tubbo - toob  
> eret - lgbbq  
> fundy - fumndy  
> niki – niki <3  
> ranboo - Walmart techno  
> purpled - purble  
> antfrost - ant  
> velvetiscake - velvet   
> skeppy - geppy  
> badboyhalo – bbh/badboyhusband  
> schlatt - schlagg  
> quackity – big q  
> karl – honk
> 
> Also they all go to the same high school except phil, hes a teacher there  
> All shipping in this book is a joke unless the people mentioned are actually dating like ant and velvet  
> A little OOC in the irl bits, we don’t talk abt it lmao
> 
> !! trigger warning: graphic depictions of weed !!
> 
> rated t for swearing, sex jokes n drug use

[I WILL KILL GOD]

_4:38 am_

[dream] has added [gogy], [Samsung], [wilbo], [dadza], and 16 others to [I WILL KILL GOD]

[dream]: gc name explains it all, whos in

[gogy]: dream it is 4:30 am

[dream]: and

[BIGMANINNIT]: BIG D I WILL ASSIST YOU

[dream]: mistakes have been made

[blood god]: I fucking hate it here let me write my English essay in peace

[BIGMANINNIT]: hes farming potatoes in skyblock

[blood god]: SLANDER. LIES AND SLANDER, I SAY

[wilbo]: bro I can hear you two from across the house shut up or dad will wake up

also being dramatic is my thing fuck you

[dadza]: I’ve been summoned?

[BIGMANINNIT]: oh no

[wilbo]: oh no

[blood god]: Oh no

**_3 users have gone offline_ **

[dream]: yEAH GET EM

[dadza]: dream you have 6 missing assignments for my class

**_1 user has gone offline_ **

[dadza]: Finally I can fucking sleep

_7:42 am_

[lgbbq]: what the fuck is this

[dream]: massive gc aka hell

[lgbbq]: ah

I see

niki are you here?

[niki <3]: Yep! What’s up, eret?

[lgbbq]: is tubbo ready? I left for school early I just wanna know if yall are gonna make it in time

[niki <3]: Aww big sibling eret

But yeah, he left before me actually!

Said something about war crimes

[lgbbq]: that is in no way reassuring

but thank you

[BIGMANINNIT]: BITCH BOY IS WITH ME. WE’RE ALREADY AT SCHOOL

I SEE YOU ERET

WE IN DA WALLS

WE ARE SO POWERFUL ERET

WE WILL COMMIT SO MANY CRIMES ERET

[lgbbq]: niki they are in the windowsill

on the third floor

I don’t think they can get down

[niki <3] I’m omw

[BIGMANINNIT]: SHUT UP YES WE CAN

I JUST

DON’T WANT TO YET

[toob]: I’m on my way donw!!

I don’t thiink tommy can get down thuogh

I told him not too >:(

[BIGMANINNIT]: SHUT UP BITCH BOY

I AM THE LARGEST MAN

I AINT SCARED OF NO HEIGHTS

[toob]: he is very scared

he ahs put away his phone in favur of yelling at me

and eret too eret has arived

[lgbbq]: I’m just watching tommy scream

[niki <3]: I have the ladder

It’s difficult to balance banana bread and a massive ladder while typing

I’m gonna put away my phone

Il’l be there in 5

[lgbbq]: okay ur the best niki

fundy has joined us

I’ll keep narrating for everyone else

Fundy’s phone is dead because he is a dumb and bad furragyfsh;dks./.’

HEKLO I AM MERET AND I AM A BTICHCJ ALSO FUNNSY IS VERY COOL AND POGGES;’./1\

BITCH TOOK MY PHONSOKSE

FJHSGAJskdlsHS’l’.ls;,

Hello its fundy

I bit him and now hes on the floor

[dream]: kinky

I didn’t think u’d b into that fundy

[lgbbq]: ill keep that in mind next time I come over babe

[gogy]: WHAT

[dream]: :flushed:

[lgbbq]: ruh roh raggy

dream do you have something to say

[dream]: oh no look at the time class is starting goodbye

[gogy]: ITS 7:52 DREAM

CLASS DOESN’T START FOR ANOTHER 8 MINUTES

[Samsung]: wait oh fuck its 7:52

karl, q, schlatt why did none of you wake me up what the shit

[niki <3]: I’m here where’s tommy

[toob]: left wing enterance

I have been hended banana bread and niki has ran off to save tommy

[lgbbq]: its eret again, fucker bit me

oh wait he already said

anyways im going in for class

fundy, dream, George, techno, Wilbur, n most everyone’s in by now it’s just tubbo, tommy and niki

oh and sapnap

alright it’s a minute till class if you aren’t here youre fucked

[wilbo]: thank you eret for being our alarm clock I think you saved sap’s ass

I may never forgive you but I respect you

[lgbbq]: tHAT WAS IN FOURTH FUCKING GRADE WILBUR

[wilbo]: AND I’LL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE YOU

YOU BETRAYED ME  
YOU BETRAYED L’MANBURG

[lgbbq]: L’MANBURG WAS A FUCKING PILLOW FORT

[dadza]: Class has started, boys. Wil, I see you angrily typing, put your fucking phone away. And Niki, I see you checking your phone through the window, you won’t be marked late. Tommy, you have one minute.

[BIGMANINNIT]: ASADFGHJSFGJSHJHSGF:XJDLDJS?XLD”>

_12:02 pm_

[Walmart techno]: oh no.

oh,,,, oh no

this is terrible

[toob]: what’s up ranboob

[Walmart techno]: WHY

anyways

I just discovered this chat

And it is terrible

Why am I here

[dream]: to suffer

I like watching shit go down

[Walmart techno]: so we suffer for your entertainment

[dream]: yes

[Walmart technoblade]: why are you like this

[dream]: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

[blood god]: Who the fuck is Walmart techno

[Walmart techno]: uh

dream

change my name please I don’t want to die yet

oh god hes stood up hes looking for me in the cafeteria

dream please

why does he dress like a Victorian prince

[wilbo]: just be glad he’s not wearing his crown

or robe for that matter

[Walmart techno]: I would ask but I don’t think I wanna know

I think he’s found me

HE DEFINGITELRY HAS OKAY GOODBY E

[blood god]: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD

[Samsung]: ,,,,,,,oh

poor ranboo

dream you sadistic bitch

[dream]: u know u lov me ;)

[Samsung]: of course

muah muah muah

[honk]: WHAT THE HONK

SAPNAP

[Samsung]: KARL

OH MY GOD HUBBY <3 <3 <3

I MISSED U

[honk]: ilyt babe <3

BUT WHAT WAS THAT??

IS DREAM FUCKING EVERYONE??

[Samsung]: WOAH KARL I NEVER SAID WE DID THE DO

how did you know ;)

[dream]: why is this the running joke

fuck you all

**_1 user has gone offline_ **

[gogy]: we lyt dream <3

also hi karl!

[honk]: hey gogy!!

:0 sap our other husband is in this gc too

@big q

[big q]: AYYYYYYYY MIS AMORES

[honk]: AYYYY

[Samsung]: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

[schlagg]: wtf quackity

was I not enough for you

I see how it is

[big q]: no schlatt don’t do this

[schlagg]: I’m breaking up with you

goodbye, guapito

your ass was flat anyway

[big q]: NOOOOOOO

[schlagg]: wil wanna hook up

[big q]: wtf

[wilbo]: I mean I was gonna say im dating dream but apparently he has like a dozen husbands so

sure babe

[schlagg]: leTS GOOOOO

meet me at the bleachers after school

[wilbo]: ohohoho movie trope eh?

I’ll be there

[dadza]: .

[wilbo]: dad its all jokes please let me hang out with schlatt

(wink)

[dadza]: ,,,,fine

If you trust him

But Schlatt

[schlagg]: yes, Mr. Minecraft?

[dadza]: Hurt him and I will fucking murder you.

[schlagg]: yes, sir.

[dadza]: Right, have fun mate

**_1 user has gone offline_ **

[schlagg]: well now I know why you, tech and tommy are all so dramatic

holy shit

[wilbo]: mhm

inherited from an _adopted father_

that makes sense

[schlagg]: YOU’RE ADOPTED???

[wilbo]: oh my fucking god

how dense are you

[schlagg]: In the ass? Very

in the head? Also very

[wilbo]: I despise you

[schlagg]: thank you, I try

[BIGMANINNIT]: schlatt how the fuck

did you not know

phil’s a bird hybrid, me and will are human and tech’s a piglin hybrid

how

how would that even work

[wilbo]: I mean my son is a fox

and I fucked a salmon

so

[BIGMANINNIT]: WILBUR THIS JOKE DIED YEARS AGO

[fumndy]: Wilbur

[wilbo]: yes son?

[fumndy]: fuck you

[wilbo]: aww I love you too son <3

[fumndy]: I’m gonna kill you

[lgbbq]: I’m regretting letting you charge your phone

[fumndy]: no eret plea se

[bbh]: oh this chat is a thing O_o

[geppy] HEKL O bad!!1!

[bbh]: hi skeppy!

[geppy]: do u wanbac ome sit wtih me virb spif ey anssd fin?

[bbh]: sure! I’m on my way ^-^

[toob]: the combenatiin of my dyxlexia and skeppy’s typing is a catatrsophe

[BIGMANINNIT]: don’t worry tubbo I can’t understand him either its not just you

[lgbbq]: me too tubbo

[niki <3]: what tommy said! It’s not your dyslexia, I think skep just can’t type >_>

[fumndy]: ^

[wilbo]: ^^

[schlagg]: ^^^

[dream]: ^^^^

[honk]: ^^^^^

[Samsung]: ok we all agree skeppy is stupid and can’t type but this arrow chain is going to drive me mad bro

[gogy]: ^^^^^^

[Samsung]: fuck you

_1:37 pm_

[velvet]: can someone explain to me

why purpled just ran into the classroom

screamed “BEDWARS COMBO”

apologized to Mr. Minecraft

picked up my boyfriend bridal style and ran out the room

still screaming

bad, skep, control your fucking kids

[purble]: bedwars combo :)

also they aren’t my parents. If anything theyre like

weird twice removed uncles

[ant]: I dm’ed him asking if he could get me out of class

because my ex is my partner for this project

[velvet]: oh my god Joshua?

[ant]: mhm

[velvet]: justified entirely he’s such a bitch

[ant]: <3

but I guess purpled took that as the go ahead to do whatever the fUCK he just did

[purble]: can I have my 20 bucks

[velvet]: I’ll pay if you let me come with you next time

[purble]: deal

ant is all soft because you said that

[ant]: SHUT UP NO IM NOT

[velvet]: <3 ilyt dork

I just want an excuse to carry ant and cause some chaos

It’s the perfect trade

[geppy]: haga hompsrzu al

[ant]: you’re one to talk

[geppy]: WHJAT

[velvet]: don’t worry about it (:

[geppy]: tht bakcwarmned smlie is so thraettninag

[Samsung]: jfc English please

[big q]: :(

[Samsung]: not u husbando ily

[big q]: :)

[dadza]: okay purpled I respect that but I do still have to give you detention

I’ll try to make sure you get detention with me though

I won’t make you do shit since you’re doing well enough in this class

[purble]: pog

_3:30 pm_

[schlagg]: where are you bb @wilbo

[wilbo]: im here

schlatt looked up from his phone only to lock eyes with the boy he had just been messaging. An easy smirk crept onto his face as he outstretched his hand, Wilbur taking it with a quiet giggle.

“what a gentleman. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you actually didn’t hate me.”

Schlatt puffed his lips out into a pout, eyes big and watery. “aww, wilby, don’t be like that.”

Schlatt was promptly slapped in the face as he burst out laughing. He led the brit further under the bleachers where one of the beams had collapsed, slats of wood leaned against it. Schlatt jokingly raised their intertwined hands and kissed the back of wilbur’s, before letting him squirm out of his grasp, barking laughter filling the small space. Schlatt, with his hands now free, moved one of the wood planks, and overdramatically flourished his hands towards the opening.

“ladies first,” he said, through barely contained laughter, raising one eyebrow when Wilbur shot him a glare, corners of his mouth pulling up. He ducked into the space, chuckling when he saw the scene layed out before the two boys.

There was a picnic blanket on the concrete floor, a pile of snacks sitting in the middle. A speaker sat there as well, already quietly humming out one of wilbur’s playlists. There were monsters, chips, and- if Wilbur was not mistaken- a Ziploc baggie of weed. Will looked back at the other boy, astonished.

“holy shit, J, when did you set this up? This looks like an actual fuckin’ date,” Wilbur exclaimed, sitting down and promptly kicking his legs up on one of the wooden beams in the wall.

Schlatt grinned sheepishly. “hell yeah! I mean, it has to be convincing, eh? So my friends think I actually got a date? I’m just fuckin with ya. Coop, one of my boys, helped me set it up, gave me the weed s’well.” He tossed Wilbur a can of monster, the other deftly catching it and cracking it open in one smooth motion.

“hell yeah, man, this is like the perfect place to vibe. No one comes out here unless there’s a game, and certainly no one sticks around under the bleachers.”

Their conversation faded into quiet chatter as they both sipped their monsters, schlatt pulling out a lighter and reaching for the bag in the snack pile.

“wait, wait, lemme see that.” Schlatt hummed in compliance and handed the lighter over. “like I said, it’s all cooper’s shit. I mean, he probably got the weed from sam, but it’s his lighter and rolling paper an’ shit.”

Wilbur giggled softly as he turned the lighter over and over in his hand. It was the normal drug store BIC lighter, in a florescent orange color. Painted on it was a dark green fish avatar, and on the other side read ‘@cscoop’.

“oh my god, he fuckin- he uses his lighter to advertise his channel. No wonder he offered to help, holy shit. One sec, I gotta give em credit for that, that’s- I fuckin love that.” Wilbur pulled out his phone and opened youtube, quickly subscribing to his channel. (do as wilbo do and subscribe to cscoop) “alright, let ‘em know that that’s fuckin hilarious, I love that.”

Wilbur tossed the lighter back to schlatt, leaning back and taking a sip of his monster. Schlatt held up the Ziploc with a smirk, and after getting a nod of confirmation from the other, pulled out the rolling paper from the pile. He packed the joint with practiced ease, folding the thin paper and finishing it with a flick of his wrist before setting it in wilbur’s outstretched palm and starting his own. By the time he was done, Wilbur was finished with his monster, shooting schlatt a smug look before crushing the can. Schlatt just rolled his eyes with a fond smile, flicking the lighter on and starting his and the other male’s blunts. They spent the next few minutes in comfortable silence, smoke sifting through the grate above them.

As their high began to settle in, words tumbled out unfiltered, smoke latching onto the edges of their words and fuzzing the syllables. Minutes turned into hours and they found themselves in a tangled pile of limbs, dopey giggles exchanged between quips.

“ay, schatt?” Wilbur piped up, interrupting the other’s rambling.

“what’s up, Wil?”

the easy chatter died out as he cleared his throat, half-lidded eyes slightly wider with nerves and lips parted. “I just, uh- fuck, man, I didn’t mean to fuck the vibe. I just wanted to make sure shit’s all platonic, yeah? I’m totally comfortable with all the jokes n’ shit, jus’ wanted to check that we’re on the same page.”

At that schlatt chuckled, smoke cascading from his mouth. “i- god, yeah, soot, don’ worry me like that. But I mean, I’ll still suck your dick if you pay well, you know me-“

He was cut off by another collective burst of giggles from the two boys, worry erased from the curly haired man’s brow. Schlatt made grabby hands towards the bag of chips in the pile, looking up at Wilbur pitifully. The man in question rolled his eyes and wormed his way out from under schlatt, dragging the bag over. Schlatt flopped off of Wilbur, before flipping over and propping his back against the wall, patting the spot beside him.

They sat side by side, the only noise the crinkle of the chip bag as they shared it, the lull in conversation turning into a comfortable silence. The grate above them let beams of light in, the passing cars dancing shadows across their faces, the distant blare of the city capturing wilbur’s attention. He tilted his face to the stars, memories of schlatt tossing his head back to laugh, the sound echoing and seeming to reach the very sun simmering in his brain. Wilbur knew he was a bit of a sap when it came to sentimental things, but he couldn’t help thinking how fucking glad he was to have schlatt with him. Nostalgic summer days in the brightly colored playground, to smoking with him in that same spot, years later, as weeds accumulated in the cracks and the paint began to chip.

The world was fucked, Wilbur knew that. But at least he had his dumbass of a best friend to get him through it.

Two sharp horns against the side of his face shook him out of his thoughts, looking over just to be face-to-face with the ram hybrid in question. He had his arms crossed and propped up on Wilbur’s shoulder, smug face resting on his hands. Wilbur shrunk back instinctively, laughing incredulously at schlatt.

The taller then stood, reaching his hand out to grab schlatt’s. pulling him up with incredible grace (Wilbur fell over and schlatt caught them by slamming into the wall), they scooped the rest of their shit into their backpacks, crumpled notes squished under cans of monster. Their fond bickering returned, schlatt having jeered at wilbur’s “indie kid lookin ass bag”, earning him a slap to the face that couldn’t falter his grin. By the time they had walked back to schlatt’s dorm, they both were laughing till they couldn’t breathe, shooting a half-assed text to wilbur’s dad and crashing on the couch.

“dude,” schlatt slurred, “I’m so fuckin’ tired, thank fuck you slept over, loser.”

Wilbur giggled. “you’re stupid as shit when you’re high, J. go to bed.”

“alright, wilbs. Make sure phil isn’t gonna absolutely beat the shit out of me next time I see him. Love you, dork.”

Wilbur only sighed, exasperation and fondness clear in his tone. “love you too.” He rolled over, wrapping his arm around the other boy, before finally letting the warm embrace of sleep claim him.

If they woke to an onslaught of angry messages from phil that next morning, no one had to know.

**Author's Note:**

> OOH YUH GET IT I GUESS
> 
> if y'all want me to continue this just drop a comment r something
> 
> I wrote this in its entirety in class or when I was supposed to be doing homework


End file.
